Part 3 – Fear

A Rendevous with Greatness … continued

 I found myself at a restaurant inside St Pancreas Station and asked enquiringly, while pulling myself together to show a confident version of who I believed I was, “ You didn’t organize or plan anything for our first meet up?”  I asked. He replied along the lines of, “No, I like to just go with the flow.” I was disappointed that he had not made any effort, but decided to let it go. I was happy just to be surrounded by the energy I was experiencing in that moment. I was feeling larger than life and courages. That was more than enough, I told myself.

“Good evening sir, madam” said a polite waiter, pulling out his notebook as we made ourselves comfortable at a small intimate table by the corner of the restaurant. “Good evening” we replied together, and smiled and one another as we noticed our synchronisity.

What drinks can I get you?” he asked, ready with his pen and notebook and smiling welcomingly. “What would you like to drink?” asked Greatness. “Just a fruit juice,” I replied.

“A fruit juice and a Rose wine” ordered Greatness.

“Anything else?” asked the waiter.

“Not at the moment, thank you,”  he replied while smiling in my direction.

Feeling a bit nervouse, I picked up the menu and started scanning it, while thinking: ‘that’s the type of alcoholic drink I had noticed some of my friends who were older would order. Don’t you go and start judging.”  interrupted Curiosity.

I knew nothing about alcohol and had never experienced it, didn’t want to either- the smell was off putting.
He must have picked up on my thoughts as he asked, “Do you drink?”

“No!” I replied.

“Have you ever drank?” he asked.

“No. Never!” I continued with confidence and an air of superiority. “I don’t need to drink to be happy!”

“That’s a shame,” he said smiling, fully captivated.

“I don’t need alcohol to feel happy or to feel accepted,” I answered defiantly, using PRIDE to show I was stronger than he may think.

“I don’t drink much,” he said with a smile, endearingly as if to make himself more acceptable to me. I didn’t reply and looked at him carefully with a feeling that he was not altogether being truthful. His skin looked like someone who had a drink too often.

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The drinks arrived by which time he decided that Salmon- en–croute was the meal we would both have as he also chose to have my suggestion for himself. While the food was on its way, I decided to be direct and ask some questions about his wife, from whom he had told me he had separated. I wanted to TRUST him and be open.

His body slump and his energy changed to a heavier feeling. Then with a sense of PRIDE, he piped, “She is a lawyer and often travels around the world to places like Boston.” I looked carefully at him, and my INSTINCT sent a message, that he was holding back. Within a flash, thoughts crossed my mind, ‘that to some level here was a man who still loved his wife. It was clear to see’, were the words I could hear in my mind.

It was as if Fear was making a sneaky entrance and bringing with it Beliefs that were looking for anything to confirm this was my actual reality, and this cannot be someone who was here for me. ‘He is still proud of her. He still loves her,’ Fear told me, in its sneaky little voice inside my head. I suddenly felt sad for him and myself and questioned why I had come and even why I had believed this time it could be different. ‘Why would a man like this consider me?’ I heard INSECURITY saying inside my head.’

“We’ve been separated for a year now,” he interjected. The conversation stayed superficial from then on, as Beliefs about myself were starting to make me feel miserable and hopeless, increasing my feelings of loss and confusion and driving me closer towards the force of Fear. “What is happening here?” I asked myself as I grappled for Curiosity who had been doing a powerful job of keeping Fear at bay and my limiting beliefs under control. Lack of experience meant I was trying to comprehend and find some kind of understanding, but my mind was foggy and unable to work things out. We ate the rest of the meal in light conversation and decided best not to go for dessert, although I would have loved dessert. Fear had managed to force Curiosity out of the arena and with it; it had brought emotions created by beliefs triggered by Fear! Fear of trying not to be expensive, of trying not to be too much trouble and of putting others before myself. I was feeling annoyed with myself, while Fear was bearing its chest with pride. It had somehow found itself back in the driving seat, and its force weakened me.

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“I’m just going to the bathroom,” said Greatness. I nodded while sipping on my drink, sitting and wondering what he must be thinking about me. Many emotions were coursing through my body and confusing my thoughts. I knew I still felt happy and that was enough courage to bring back the power of Curiosity in the arena and repel Fear out along with its companion, Belief.

He returned and once we both finished our drinks he asked the waiter for the bill. “Do you want to freshen up?” he asked. “Yes OK” I replied, thinking ‘do I need it and maybe that’s why he had asked me. I must look tired or a mess’. Insecurity had a sneaky way of sounding right when one is not so sure of oneself.

Walking into the bathroom, I didn’t even want to look at myself, in case I saw how bad I looked. Though when I plucked up the power of courage to look, I liked how I looked. I looked radiant and glowed with a strange kind of contentment. Curiosity was back because I didn’t want to go home. I liked Greatness. He was weird, he seemed immature and appeared confused like me. I loved his eyes; they looked vulnerable despite the arrogant, confident attitude he was wearing. It was as if he was masking a pain, something he seemed to be tackling by pretending to be someone else. Instinct was sending me feelings that I interpreted the best I could in line with how I was feeling in the moment. It was trying to put some understanding to the actions and subtle behaviors of ‘Greatness.’

Feeling tired from the battle of emotions within, I decided to focus on – ‘I liked being in his presence’; it made me feel strong and powerful, different from the sad girl I had become over the years. Someone who was afraid to talk to the opposite sex in-case I gave the wrong impression. ‘But what exactly was the wrong expression?’– I asked myself. ‘Wasn’t those my mother’s words, and wasn’t it because of these words that I am still single I thought.’ As a result of this thought’s, I had locked myself away for some 17+ years because I had come to believe that I had no right to live in a loving life of happiness and experience that what made me feel valued and loved. Other than what I got from my parents and siblings.

I walked out of the ladies, and was shocked to see him waiting for me outside and before I could realize what had happened, he had swooped me into an embrace and was kissing me passionately and with force. My face burned under pressure and his stubble rubbed up on my soft skin, yet I surrendered. It was as if I wanted him to eat me alive, I felt a massive rush of pressure release within, and he mirrored the same energy back.

I felt the heat rise in my face, making me hot with embarrassment as Fear jumped back to tell me the customers may be looking with disgust. There was nobody around. Feelings of embarrassment and shame swept over me regardless. I was not a girl who was loose like this; “You’re a whore!” shouted out Belief from behind Fear. ‘Words my mother had used against me when I was emerging into a teenager at 14. What was happening? Where were my boundaries? My self-dignity and my self-respect? I couldn’t recognize the girl I was in this moment. What would my family think of me? Where was my integrity, where was my honor? Where was my class? Nothing made any sense, nothing at all. Self-judgment and criticism were scolding my every being! – One part of me wanted to run and hide, while another part of me wanted to savor every moment. The conflict within was powerful with Force battling against POWER. FORCE was leading the round with FEAR.

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I composed myself and made my way out of the restaurant to where Greatness was on his phone, texting someone. Fear found another opportunity to bash me over the head. “I bet he’s messaging some other girl. Fear taunted. “Why would a man of this caliber even be interested in you?” feeling’s of deep sadness were driving the force of Fear to swell and succeed in making me feel cheap, but I wasn’t going to let this happen. Curiosity had to grow its power and block my ability to pay attention to Fear and its Beliefs. When Curiosity found its way back in the driving seat, its power was double that of FEAR, and it enabled me to go with the flow and let things happen without any feelings of guilt triggered by Belief and Fear. They were much too weak in the presence of CURIOSITY.

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“Today had to happen,” my Instinct told me as Greatness got up and kissed me again. This kiss made me feel different. A surge of something magical coursed through my body, and I felt like I was flying. As I opened my eyes, I felt powerful, larger than life and like I was expanding and growing. The large wall clock in the train station seemed to shrink in size as he appeared to become smaller and shrink too. I couldn’t make sense of it. I felt like Alice in Wonderland after eating the magic biscuit that made her grow into a giant. I could feel the seat on my brow even though I felt frightened and wondered if this is an anxiety attack, I felt grounded and firmly rooted to where I stood like nobody could push me over.

My gaze came back and settled on the man I had viewed as Greatness before me, and straightened up his disheveled hair. He looked small and weak now. Though still smiling, I gave myself and him a sense of reassurance that what I had allowed. I had forgiven myself and him. There was no judgment for either of us at that moment. I recognized I was not blaming myself for anything. In fact, I was grateful to him in some strange way as I felt Instinct send warm fuzzy feelings through my body.

An Inspired nudge reminded me, I had brought the lavender sleep spray as a gift for him because he had mentioned he had trouble sleeping. I had found that this had helped soothe me and so I gave it to him. He looked a bit amused, but took it and said: “thank you.”

We sat and chatted for a little while longer, and I watched him attentively, only to suddenly realize I must make my way home, I couldn’t miss my train. He held my hand and walked me to my train and kissed me passionately again before letting me go. “See what you have done to me!” he said as he held me against him. I didn’t reply and just smiled at him. My train was waiting in the station, and I made my way to get onto in time, while looking back as I walked, wondering if he was still waiting and watching until I boarded the train. I was pleased to see he was and I smiled to myself feeling content and grateful.

Resting my head against the glass window of the cabin, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, while asking myself
“How do you feel?”

“Like I don’t want to go home,” said a voice inside.

“Do you regret what has happened?” I asked?

“No, No I don’t” I replied “though I think I may have been used and allowed it to happen. I don’t know why, but I strongly felt the nudge I had to come here today. Something strange has happened and I just feel completely different. I feel bigger, I feel very strong and powerful, but right now I also felt tired.”

I closed my eyes, slipped my hands into my coat pockets and felt my earrings in my fingers. They had dropped off when he had kissed me so passionately.

I knew that day I had exchanged a kiss and discovered my greatness instead. The POWER I had thought was outside of me was actually within me. My collaboration with an enchanting human had inspired curiosity, and the experience had opened me up and made me more receptive to a grander version of myself. He had given me the gift of discovering my self-worth and the key to unlocking myself from the beliefs that did not serve my own Greatness.

How did I attract this? What is my learning? I continued to ask and discovered there are two families of emotions. Just like the two rivaling families in Romeo and Juliet called Capulet and Montague. The difference between the two families of my emotions is that one vibrates on FORCE while the other vibrates in POWER. FORCE is masculine, and Power is feminine, as per the research by David R Hawkins who is the Director of the Institute for Spiritual Reseach and is widely known for his research on Consciousness. 

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SUMMARY
The two families of emotions, FORCE, and POWER

I have given my emotions through this three-part story; identities to help understand what I am discovering about the mystery of my emotions. Let me introduce you to the emotional characters in my story:

Masculine family
FORCE

  • FEAR – sees everything as frightening, it comes from a place of punishment and always tends to withdraw itself from doing anything that it see’s as different or changed from the normal patterns it knows. It encourages chemicals to be made and released in the brain that can even control the body and the muscles. It can be mighty if it’s allowed to be present for long periods of time because this is when it uses its many masks like anxiety to controls the way the body takes in oxygen to power-up. Fear wears many many masks and its aim is to keep you where you know and inhibit change and growth. Its masks are Anger, Pride, Desire, Grief, Apathy, Guilt, and Shame.
  • INSECURITY – is a character that becomes even more forceful when it has it’s family members around called, Miserable, Evil, Hopelessness, Tragic, Frightening, Disappointing, Antagonistic and Demanding. It can not make up its mind and looks for reassurance from others around it. It makes other people feel the same as it does and as a result, it is always looking outside of its self for validation or confirmation for what it is choosing to focus its attention on. It will only see situations which match the insecurity it has chosen for that moment. It drains energy and takes from those around it rather than give’s to those around.

Feminine family
POWER

  • CURIOSITY – is light and bounces with energy. It always has a sincere intention and is open and willing. It’s younger brothers and sisters are ‘Trust and Optisim’ and these guys are very powerful without having to try hard at all. They use little energy and give more energy out instead. These guys raise focus and attention and draw in enthusiasm. Curiosity is creative and inspiring when it is around. It makes people smile because it is not afraid to show it’s vulnerability.
  • INSTINCT – is silent, and cannot be constructed with words. It uses ‘feelings’ to direct action. It becomes increasingly powerful when surrounded by its family members of Satisfaction, Hopeful, Harmony, Meaningful, Understanding, Love, Joy, and Peace. Its power can become so powerful that you can feel it nudge you towards your goals and aspirations.

BELIEF – is a strange one. It is not an emotion and therefore not part of the Masculine or Feminine Family, though it plays a significant role in how it directs life. It is often a creation of other peoples thoughts and ideas. It starts out life with many disfigurements and as it matures, those disfigurements become hardened or they can be ironed out. Belief is like a shapeshifter, it chooses to change its shape in accordance to what emotional family is leading it. Is can be with the emotional family of FORCE or is it the emotional family of POWER.

 
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